One Year Without B

One year ago today, my best buddy crossed over the rainbow bridge.

I still don't really know how to write about pet loss.

I don't think anyone prepares you for the strange ways grief shows up. I still find myself looking for him. I still catch myself talking out loud to him, telling him something funny that happened or sharing a thought like I always did.

There is this strange mix of joy and sadness that comes with grieving a companion who was part of so much of your life. You can experience something beautiful and immediately wish they were there to see it too. You can feel grateful for the life you're building while still feeling the ache of the one who isn't there to share it with you.

B was there for so many chapters of my life. We learned each other. We navigated our own struggles and changes together. He was there through a pandemic, moves, and some of the biggest transitions of my life. He was there when I became an aunt, and he was the most patient and loving pup with the boys.

One of the things I was most excited about was giving him a true backyard. After everything he had given me, I wanted his senior years to be peaceful, happy, and full of all the little things he loved. And B loved to sunbathe. If there was a sunny spot, he would find it.

When we settled at the farm, he started slowing down. Sometimes I think he knew.

It's almost like he took a deep breath and realized he was home. This was his final place. Maybe mine too.

B guided me through some of the hardest seasons of my life. He was there when things felt uncertain, when I was figuring things out, and when I needed a quiet companion who didn't need me to explain anything.

And then, when life finally started to feel a little more settled, he let go.

I still visit him around the farm. There are certain places where I stop and talk to him. We also stop by the vet's office and visit the Rainbow Bridge where one of his bandanas hangs. We keep one of his collars and bandanas in the car, because somehow it makes it feel like a little piece of him is still coming along with us.

The biggest thing B taught me was my capacity to love. He reminded me that loving something deeply also means accepting that someday you will have to feel the heartbreak of losing it. And even knowing that, it is still worth it. The silly moments, the routines, the companionship, the unconditional love, all of it is worth the grief that comes later.

B gave me so much more than I could ever have imagined.

I miss him every day.

But I am so grateful I got to be his person.

— Rose